


flightless

by ok_mcmxcv



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Betaed, Bullying, EDEN lyrics (lol i will make this tag), Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Gay Character, Homophobia, Karasuno, M/M, Multi, My First Fanfic, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please Don't Kill Me, Secret Identity, Singing, Swearing, Trans Hinata Shouyou, Transphobia, Triggers, YouTuber Hinata Shouyou, cyclothymia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:40:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25123324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ok_mcmxcv/pseuds/ok_mcmxcv
Summary: Lots of people have secrets.Hinata Shouyou is no exception. He has one or two.Or six.---aka the fic where shouyou is facing hurdle after hurdle after hurdle and omg give this poor boy a break and wait he sings???"get a load of this trainwreckhis hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yetbut little do we know the starswelcome him with open arms"
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 50
Kudos: 175





	1. she spoke nine words and now we're sinking

**Author's Note:**

> warning: do not read if you are triggered by anything tagged  
> also, i do swear so IM SORRY
> 
> also, thanks for clicking on this, i appreciate it :)

This Is Home - flightless  
3.7M views

__________________________________________

flightless.official ☑️  
1.2M subscribers

__________________________________________  
Premiered 9 hours ago

thank you all for your continuous support! my new single is out now, i hope you enjoy it.  
love you all !  
\- h

—

spotify  
soundcloud  
website  
twitter  
instagram

—  
often i am upset  
that i cannot fall in love  
but i guess  
this avoids the stress of falling out of it  
are you tired of me yet?  
i'm a little sick right now  
but i swear  
when i’m ready i will fly us out of here  
i'll cut my hair  
to make you stare  
i’ll hide my chest and i’ll  
figure out a way to get us out of here

turn off your porcelain face  
i can't really think right now in this place  
there’s too many colours  
enough to drive all of us insane  
are you dead?  
sometimes i think i’m dead  
‘cause i can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head  
but i don't wanna fall asleep just yet

my eyes went dark  
i don't know where  
my pupils are but i’ll  
figure out a way to get us out of here

get a load of this monster  
he doesn't know how to communicate  
his mind is in a different place  
will everybody please give him a little bit of space?  
get a load of this trainwreck  
his hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet  
but little do we know the stars  
welcome him with open arms  
oh

time is  
slowly  
tracing his face  
but strangely he feels at home in this place  
__

Comments • 2,937 ^ 

Xxcali.dxX  
i’m not crying,,, you are  
9 hours ago. 🖤 5.2K  
︱  
wtf-wtf-wtf  
Seriously though, this song  
made me cry. I can relate to  
some of these lyrics so much.  
I’ve been feeling suicidal, and  
uncomfortable in my own  
body. I think I might be trans,  
and am going through a hard  
time right now.  
Thank you, H, for making me  
feel understood. Love you!  
9 hours ago. 🖤 2.7K

my name is not rose  
I don’t know who needs to hear this,  
but here I go: Haters can hate. I love  
all of you, regardless of your gender  
identity, sexual orientation, race, etc.  
This is a safe space. Ignore the other  
people in the comments trying to tear  
us down! We are strong :)  
9 hours ago. 🖤 4.9K ❤️  
︱  
my name is not rose  
OMG FLIGHTLESS LIKED  
MY COMMENT!!!!!! once  
again i love u guys <3  
7 hours ago. 🖤 3.3K

dead pixel  
you did it again h!!! amazing  
song!!!! ( ˘ ³ ˘ )♡  
8 hours ago. 🖤 2K

KITTYGAMING  
My friend showed me this song  
earlier today, and I think I’m in love  
with his voice. I’ve listened to some  
of his other songs and they’re all  
amazing. What’s the singer’s name?  
I can’t find it anywhere.  
27 minutes ago. 🖤 165  
︱  
muffin boi  
@KITTYGAMING flightless  
hasn’t released his name or  
any pictures of himself. we all  
call him h though. welcome to  
the community!!!  
9 hours ago. 🖤 57

Shouyou smiled at his phone. His new song was being received well by his fans. He didn’t make music for other people, just as a way to deal with his emotions. Still, it reminded him that his fans weren’t just going to leave him once his songs started getting darker. 

“Sho-kun, it’s time to go!” Shouyou’s mother held open the front door to their house, “Natsu-chan, be good! We’ll be back in an hour.”

“Bye, oniichan! Bye, okaasan!! Good luck!!!”

“Love you, neechan!” Hinata smiled brightly and gave Natsu a little wave goodbye. As soon as the door shut behind him, he let his mask drop. This should be fun. Talking to his new (likely homophobic and transphobic) principal, first thing in the morning, honestly sounds like a great way to ruin his week.

The last time he’d gone to talk to a new school, the principal was less than enthusiastic about Hinata wearing the boys uniform. Half of the teachers still referred to him as a girl. It was terrible. Thank goodness, no one from his middle school went to Karasuno. 

(In Japan, the law doesn’t recognize people as transgender unless they’ve changed their reproductive organs in surgery to their desired gender. The surgery had risks, and many opted not to have it, which ended up with them not getting legal recognition as their true gender identity.) 

Shouyou and his mother hopped into the car, and they were off, weaving up and down the hilly streets to his new high school. High school. Fuck. High school! Shouyou was finally in high school. Two more years and he could get top surgery! He would've been able to get the surgery last year, but his therapist didn’t deem him stable enough mentally to make the decision. He couldn’t blame Dr. Miyasaki. He was going through a nasty flare up of depression and anxiety at the time, and his meds stopped working as well as they used to. 

A thought dawned on him as the car coasted down a particularly steep incline. I’m going to have to make this trek. Every. Day. Just to get to school. Well, I guess it’s good volleyball conditioning. Right, the volleyball team! He could join a real volleyball team. And beat that jerk from middle school, that “King of the Court”. 

“What have you been doing the last three years?” The last three years? Don’t get me fucking started. Don’t. I’ve done so much in that tiny sliver of time that you just dismissed like it was nothing.

Fucking. Nothing. 

I know that you’re just some arrogant child prodigy who’s just ~better than everyone else~; and that I shouldn’t give a shit about your opinion, you have no idea what I’ve gone through. I know all that.

So why can’t I get those nine words out of my head?

What have you been doing the last three years?

What have you been doing the last three years?

What have you been doing the last three years?

What have you been doing the last three years?

They taunt me, years of small cuts bleeding together in a mess of red. The words I’ve been told over and over, finally bursting from the dam I’d put up long ago, in an attempt to keep from shattering what little control I had over my emotions. Now I'm drowning.  
All you’ve done is in vain.

You're worthless.  
Stupid girl.  
Wasted potential.  
Why can’t you just be like the other girls?  
Disgusting.  
You’re no daughter of mine.  
Why doesn’t she talk? Is she retarded?  
Look at the fucking homo…  
He’s so short though!  
Wait- oh my god, ahaha, he’s a girl??

D  
R  
O  
W  
N  
I  
N  
G

The car stopped, and Hinata was jolted from his thoughts. For now at least. He knew that when the sky grew dark, they would return to eat away at him slowly. He acted on autopilot, and before he knew it, he was standing in front of the gates to his future high school. Where he’d be spending part of the next three years of his life.

What have you been doing the last three years?

“....ata! Hinata! Shouyou?” He tore his eyes from the gate to see his mother already almost at the double-door entrance to the large building, waiting for him with a concerned tilt of her head.

“Sorry, okaasan! I’m coming…” He took small steps forwards, but they felt impossibly huge, weighed down by thoughts like blocks of concrete.


	2. i'm just dying to be all that i've been dreaming of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // tw for the whole fic so read the tags //
> 
> I'm trying to update weekly, but I may post more or less often. My soccer training started back up, so everything's a little chaotic :)
> 
> My friend curly_hair is now my beta! Thanks curly!  
> We've started a new Hamilton AU fic under our accounts, and we'd appreciate you checking it out!  
> LINK: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25249492 
> 
> This was originally the ending for chapter one, so it's not the most exciting.  
> Anyways, love you all <3

Shouyou took a deep breath as the heavy wooden door of the principal’s office swung shut behind him. 

To the average person, it was simply a door shutting, nothing less and nothing more. To Shouyou, it marked that he’d reached the point of no return, he was really doing this. Again. He tried to mentally prepare himself for what was to come.

He and his mother each pulled out a chair to take a seat, looking at the woman seated at the desk in front of them. Shouyou’s chair reminded him of those in the waiting room at his therapist’s office, made of faux leather as stiff and uncomfortable as could be. 

“Hinata-san?” The woman seated across from Shouyou greeted his mother. “Nice to meet you, I am Satou Chinami, Karasuno’s principal…” 

Shouyou let the words being spoken in the conversation between his mother and the principal of his new school wash over him, bits and fragments of their words making their way through the barrier he materialized in his mind. 

He focused on the slight pain he got by digging his fingernails into the palms of his hands, grounding himself. 

“...your forms all seem to be in order…”

“...homeroom is generally…”

“...yes, this is Shouyou…”

“...Sho-kun?”

He looked away from his hands reluctantly to see Satou looking at him. “Oh, umm, hello Satou-sensei! My name is Hinata Shouyou,” he grimaced. She already knew that, didn’t she? What was I supposed to say?

Satou just smiled at him warmly, directing her next words at him, “It’s nice to meet you, Hinata-san. You have all of your paperwork turned in. Do you have any questions or concerns? Are there any clubs you would like to learn how to join? I’m sure the cheer club could use a beautiful girl like you to showcase Karasuno spirit!” He winced. Knowing that being misgendered was in part due to him being listed as a female on the paperwork his mother had turned in didn’t make it sting less. 

Shouyou glanced towards his mother anxiously, awaiting the difficult “concern” that was about to be brought up.

“Yes, Satou-san, we do have a few concerns if we may bring them up,” His mother carefully spoke, the caution evident in her voice.

“Of course! What are they?”

“Well, we have two primary concerns, the uniform and… pronouns,” Shouyou’s mother paused to squeeze his hand reassuringly, “Shouyou is transgender. He identifies as a male. He is considered male in all aspects except his legal documents. He has been diagnosed with… Gender Identity Disorder,” Shouyou winced at the mention of GID, “H-he would like to pass as male here.”

Satou seemed to be processing all of the information that was hurdled her way, “Hinata-san, I hope you understand I’m in a bit of a bind here...”

Shouyou’s mother nodded slowly and deliberately, never breaking eye contact with Satou.

“I do not have any issues with your son’s gender identity, but I cannot be so sure that the rest of the staff doesn’t.” Shouyou let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. _The principal is on our side. Someone is on my side._ Satou contemplated her options, “I can allow Shouyou to wear the male uniform, go by his preferred pronouns, and be a boy for all purposes except legal ones. However, he _will_ have to talk to his teachers about this before classes start so they get a scope of the situation. I will write a note you may give them saying that you have my approval to be referred to as male while at this school, so they won’t think it’s some prank. I can’t guarantee all of the teachers will be _supportive_ but if any of them give you trouble you can let me know. I will do my best to make Karasuno as pleasant an experience as possible for you.”

_She’s on my side. She knows what I am and she still… supports me?_

_She supports me!_

“Thank you, Satou-san!”

Shouyou was floating for the rest of the day, the victory at Karasuno playing through his mind often. The cycle of sunlight passed in a blur, light giving way to darkness. That’s when Shouyou finally had time to simply lie in bed and process all of the events of the day. He welcomed the thoughts that were usually toxins in his mind.

A jumble of words.

  
  
  
  


_i’ll hide my chest and i’ll figure out a way to get us out of here_

  
  


_This should be fun._

_What have you been doing the last three years?_

  
  
  
  
  


_D R O W N I N G_

_What have you been doing the last three years?_

  
  
  


_I’m sure the cheer club could use a beautiful girl like you to showcase Karasuno spirit!_

_I do not have any issues with your son’s gender identity, but I cannot be so sure that the rest of the staff doesn’t._

  
  
  
  
  


_I will do my best to make Karasuno as pleasant an experience as possible for you._

  
  
  


He finally made it. Shouyou was going to high school.

_Watch out, Karasuno, here I come!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for making it this far! I'd love it if you'd drop kudos and/or a comment! They're really encouraging.
> 
> Like I said above, thanks to my beta curly_hair! Thanks to the people who've read this, I love you all!  
> chapter title from the song Circles by EDEN.
> 
> Check out curly and I's Hamilton AU story! It focuses on Sugawara Koushi, a young man with a dream to accomplish greatness.  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/25249492 
> 
> Have a great day :)


	3. cos happy endings are just a phase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update, don't worry im still working on the fic! today we have a reddit q&a from none other than shouyou to his lovely fans :)
> 
> ***LAST MY BETA AND I CHECKED, THIS LAYOUT DOES NOT WORK ON MOBILE***  
> I APOLOGIZE TO ALL OF MY MOBILE FRIENDS,,, MAYBE IT'LL WORK, MAYBE IT WON'T
> 
> thank you to my beta, curly_hair!! thanks to you, too, my reader! enjoy the chapter :)
> 
> chapter title from End Credits by EDEN

⇧ Posted by u/flightless_music 1 day ago 

4.0k

⇩ **hi, i am flightless. i write and play music. ama !**

i am a vocalist and multi-instrumentalist. my new single ‘This Is Home’ just hit five million

views (the most i’ve ever gotten!!) so i decided to host this ama to celebrate :D you can ask me anything,

but i won’t answer certain questions to keep my privacy.

PROOF:  https://twitter.com/flightless/status/25803581801012fj21  (A/N: not real link)

i love you all, thanks for supporting me <333 -h

**🗩** **1.2k Comments** **| ➦ Share | ＋** **Save | 🛇 Hide | ⚑ Report |** _84% Upvoted_

  
  


SORT BY **TOP** **(SUGGESTED)** ▼

⇧ LoudSilence7 ⋅ 303 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ Hello H, I have a few questions. 

How are you doing?

What were your inspirations for This Is Home?

I don’t know if you will answer this one, but how old are you?

Thanks so much for doing this! We love to see you interact with the subreddit :)

⇧ **flightless_music** ⋅ 598 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ hi!!

im alright, a little tired tbh. this is home focuses on my internal thoughts and

feelings on a particular day, dealing with my mental health. im doing

a bit better now with everything all sorted out, but i was at a very low point at the 

time i wrote this song (a few months ago). im 15 right now! of course, i love to

interact with you guys <3

⇧ JonTheGreat ⋅ 170 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ Wait, you’re really fifteen?!? You’re so talented!!

  
  


⇧ sam-the-man ⋅ 283 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ hey h, this is a lyric thing i’ve wondered about. i’m trans (ftm) and was curious when you

said “i’ll hide my chest” if you were talking about using a binder? if so i support you

100%! i was just wondering bc it’d be amazing to have another trans icon to look up to! i

love u, have a great day!

⇧ **flightless_music** ⋅ 334 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ yes, i was talking about binding. 

i love you too! we need to stick together <3

  
  


⇧ ApplePi ⋅ 214 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ Hello, H. I’m a relatively new fan, been here since This Is Home came out a few weeks

ago. You might know me, I’m kittygaming from the Discord. Anyways, I was wondering,

do you play any games? If so, would you like to play sometime? You seem like a really

cool person.

⇧ **flightless_music** ⋅ 274 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ oh yeah, i remember you!!! are you KITTYGAMING on youtube?? if so

then i watch you all the time!!!!! i play a few games (minecraft, animal crossing,

some overwatch) i’m not very good but i’d love to play with you sometime :) 

⇧ ApplePi ⋅ 200 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ Yes, I’m KITTYGAMING on YouTube. It doesn’t matter if you’re bad, it’d

still be fun. I’m looking forward to it!

  
  


⇧ witchingclub ⋅ 303 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ here are some random questions! only answer what you want to! do you live in the us?

do you have any siblings? does anyone you know irl know about your music? do you

have any pets? do you play any instruments besides the ukelele, and if so will you play

them in future songs? do you ever plan on doing a face/name reveal? how tall are you?

⇧ **flightless_music** ⋅ 598 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ 1. no, but i did for a few years when i was younger. 

2\. i have a sister and two stepbrothers, but i’m only close with my sister.

3\. my mom and my sister do.

4\. i have a bearded dragon named dino :)

5\. i also play the guitar, piano, drums, and some cello. hopefully!

6\. maybe in time… probably not until i finish high school. my community and

most of my family (apart from my mom and sister) aren’t the most accepting.

7\. no comment lol

⇧ memelord ⋅ 233 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ YOU HAVE A BEARDED DRAGON??? THAT’S SO COOL!!

⇧ billie.eyelash ⋅ 467 points ⋅ 1 day ago ⋅ _edited 1 day ago_

⇩ How can H play so many instruments? I can’t even play one!! Please share

some talent with us plebs, I’m begging you!!

  
  
  


⇧ _peaches ⋅ 398 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ What are your preferred pronouns? I know you said them a while ago, but I can’t

find them anywhere, and I’d hate to call you by the wrong ones.

⇧ **flightless_music** ⋅ 325 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ he/him. thanks for being respectful!

⇧ notrose ⋅ 321 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ you don’t have to answer any of these questions, I’m just curious about what you’re like

(obviously you don't have to be specific bc of privacy concerns)

do you have any piercings?

what color is your hair?

do you speak spanish?

introvert, extrovert, or ambivert?

what’s your mbti type?

what’s something you want all of your fans to know?

thanks for doing this!! sending love from argentina!!

⇧ **flightless_music** ⋅ 443 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ 1. i have my ears pierced 

2\. weirdly orange :p

3\. no

4\. ambivert 

5\. intp i think?? idk really

6\. you are loved! if you ever need someone to talk to, my dms are open.

7\. i can’t believe it! all the way from argentina?? wow, that’s cool :)

  
  


⇧ o-r-i-o-n ⋅ 229 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ I have a few (personal) questions. I understand if you don’t answer. Do you have

depression? (i feel like you’ve answered this before but IDK) Are you on testosterone? How

old are you?

⇧ **flightless_music** ⋅ 281 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ 1. no. i have cyclothymia.

2\. i am :D

3\. 15

⇧ hxh ⋅ 169 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ What’re your favorite foods? Would you consider going on tour (in the future)? Do you

have any hobbies/talents other than music? What’s your favorite color? Do you watch

anime? (I am a weeb I aPOLOGIZE lol) What’s your favorite movie? 

⇧ **flightless_music** ⋅ 200 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ 1. tamago kake gohan and blueberry pancakes

2\. i love to play volleyball

3\. yellow

4\. yes i do lol

5\. it depends… right now my favorites are the perks of being a wallflower, back to

the future, and kimi no na wa. i like a lot of different genres :)

⇧ ThatsBS ⋅ **-71** **points** ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ u asian or some shit? lol go eat bamboo u pale bitch

⇧ mellow_yellow ⋅ 109 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ Shut up. That’s none of your business!!

⇧ KarenBeGone ⋅ 37 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ Don’t be a jerk

⇧ **flightless_music** ⋅ 112 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ thats none of your business. if you want to be a disrespectful

racist asshole, you’re not welcome here. i’m asian-american, but

that’s frankly not the point. 

⇧ confusedbisexual ⋅ 16 points ⋅ 1 day ago 

⇩ that's right GO OFF KING!!1!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyways, i could spend hours listing my excuses for not updating sooner, but i won't. to summarize, i wasn't having a great week and had to pack for a family trip which im going on in a few days. due to that, my next update might also be late and im sorry vyskyjkudkal,, i hope you all liked this chapter. 
> 
> comments make my day [even if it's like a week after i posted the chapter lol]
> 
> -  
> check out the fic my beta and i have been writing! it's called Just You Wait, and it's a hamilton au fic. im having a ton of fun getting to write as tobio//burr :)  
> -
> 
> i've also made some meh sketches for later in the fic that i'll try to link when we get to the right chapters, including a bad drawing of shouyou and his bearded dragon :D  
> bye all, have a good day//night <3


	4. maybe in another dream this would never end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!! i'm so sorry for posting so late!   
> HERES 2 CHAPTERS IN ONE TO MAKE UP FOR IT! SORRY AGAIN!!
> 
> **this chapter hasn't been betaed because i don't want to send it to my beta at midnight before the first day of school**
> 
> i planned to write the 4th and 5th chapters while on vacation, but there ended up being no signal... i guess that's what i get for thinking there'd be cell service while camping in the middle of nowhere :0
> 
> school starts tomorrow, so my posting will likely still be whack, sorry in advance. 
> 
> *if i ever make any errors in grammar, spelling, or honorifics, please let me know in the comments so i can fix it. i'm still trying to get the hang of the honorifics and will likely mess up :)

“Bye, oniichan! Good luck at school~!!” Natsu stood in the doorway to the Hinatas’ house, waving farewell to her brother. Her mother stood behind her smiling.

“Thanks, Natsu-chan! Love you!” Shouyou wheeled his bike to the street, turning back to give his family one last parting grin. He hopped onto his bicycle, and pedalled away, slowly gaining speed. His bag hit his leg a few times before he adjusted it. He was on his way to Karasuno, for his first day of high school! 

His legs burned as he pedalled with all his power up a hill, coasting for a few breaths before soaring down the street. He could see all of town splayed out below him, and smiled a real smile.  _ A fresh start. _ Birds chirped. The April air felt crisp and smelled of cherry blossoms.

When Shouyou finally arrived at the front gates of Karasuno High, the front lawn was teeming with students. He climbed off of his bike, deciding that trying to weave in and out of the crowd would be harder if riding his bike. A quiet clicking came from his bicycle as he walked it to a relatively empty bike rack. 

He caught wisps of conversations while locking up his bike.

“...right? It’s my favorite place to buy them!”

“... Mari has Ono-sensei for English…”

“...haha, I told you so!”

“I guess so, I don’t really know...”

_ I am going to take this school by storm! I’m going to finally pass, and I’m going to join the boys’ volleyball team! I’m going to beat the King of the Court! I’ll make new friends! _

Sure, Shouyou still had Izumi and Koji from his old school, but it would be nice to make some new friends, ones who shared his love for volleyball.  _ And who weren’t his  _ only  _ friends…  _ NO.  _ I am not going to have negative thoughts today. Today is all about beginnings, positives. _

_

Shouyou peered at the placard next to the door.  _ Room 108 _ . His homeroom class, his teacher being Takahashi Aina. He drew in a breath, exhaled, and then opened the door. Takahashi is seated at her desk in the front of the room. At the sound of the door opening, Takahashi looked up from the papers she was reading.

“Hello, Takashi-sensei. My name is Hinata Shouyou, and I am in your first year homeroom class. Satou-sensei told me to talk to you before class started.” Shouyou fidgeted with the note in his hand.

The classroom was empty besides them, Shouyou had made sure to arrive a good hour before the bell, that way they wouldn’t be interrupted.

“Ah, yes. Satou-san told me that you would have to speak to me. It’s nice to meet you, Hinata-san. What is it you’re concerned about?” Takahashi has a kind face, her black hair tied back in a bun, bangs covering parts of her forehead.

“Umm, Satou-san told me to give this note to you.” Shouyou handed the cream-colored paper to Takashi. She unfolded it and put on her glasses, her eyes traveling back and forth as she read the note the principal wrote. Takahashi sighed, then laid the paper onto her desk with a crinkle. Shouyou’s heart was pounding.  _ Shiiit, she doesn’t look happy.  _

She looked up at Shouyou, “Is that all?” Her voice was rather monotone, not betraying any emotions. 

“Yes.” 

“Okay then,” Takahashi stood up and pushed out her chair, walking towards Shouyou.  _ What is she doing?  _ “Takahashi took Shouyou’s hand gently, and smiled at him. That smile was rather small, but a huge relief to the boy, he could finally breathe, “You don’t have to worry about this. As your homeroom teacher, I can talk to the rest of your teachers about this if that’s okay with you. I will do my best to make sure they respect you.”

“Thank you so much, Takahashi-san!! Gwahh! That would… that’d be amazing!” Shouyou was almost at a loss for words.  _ Two victories so far!!! This year is going to be amazing! _

“I do, however, have to warn you that  _ some _ of your teachers have more… traditional values.”

“Oh.” Shouyou’s face fell.  _ Of course it’s not that easy. You’re so fucking stupid.  _ He peered up at Takahashi’s now-conflicted face.

“I apologize in advance for their close-mindedness. I will make sure that they call you by the correct pronouns.” With that, Takahashi gave Shouyou one last tight smile, and settled back into her chair, “If you ever need to talk to someone, I’m here. If you’d rather talk to someone else, the student counselor’s office is always open.”

“Thank you again, Takahashi-san!”

“Of course, Hinata-san. I’ll see you in class.” Shouyou waved at his teacher, then exited the classroom. He glanced briefly at the clock in the hallway.  _ Hm, only ten minutes have passed. It felt so much longer…  _

Shouyou stood just outside the door to Takahashi’s classroom. There was a flurry of activity in the halls, students rushing to get to their lockers or to sign up for clubs.  _ That’s right! I need to go sign up for volleyball!! _ Shouyou fumbled in his bag for his schedule, and finally got it out (significantly more wrinkled than it was when he printed it out).  _ Locker 245. That should be near the office…  _ Shouyou set out towards the office.

_ First I’ll put my bag away, everything except for my club application form and the stuff I’ll need for first period. Then I’ll go turn in my form to join volleyball!!  _

Shouyou soon found his locker, indeed just down the hall from the office and nurse’s office. He put in the combo printed on his schedule. It took two tries, but he finally managed to get it open. Shouyou sighed in relief, then proceeded to wrestle his materials from his shoulder bag. 

Soon, Hinata was on his way to the cafeteria. It was set up with all of the different clubs each having a table. Many students in uniform were bustling around the different tables, talking and smiling. Shouyou peered across the cafeteria, trying to locate the volleyball table.  _ Chess, Art, Kendo, Calligraphy… ah, there it is! Volleyball club!! _ He made his way through the throngs of people, finally getting to the table in the far corner of the room. 

A black and orange sign was taped on the table, the words  _ Karasuno Volleyball Club _ printed upon it in white lettering. A girl with blue-black hair and glasses sat behind the table, talking quietly to a boy with short, dark brown hair who stood next to her. When Shouyou finally reached the two, the girl turned to him and smiled softly.

“Hello. Are you interested in joining the volleyball team?” Her voice was very soothing and melodic. Shouyou could tell boys would definitely go crazy over her. _ I would too, if she was my type. Not quite.  _ Shouyou almost giggled at that thought.  _ Yeah, not ~ _ quite~  _ my type…  _ (a/n y’all know what i mean ;D)

“Hi! Yes, please!!!” Shouyou grinned widely, “My name is Shouyou Hinata! I have my club application form right here~” He dug the paper out from the middle of the stack of books and folders he was carrying, and waved it around excitedly.

“Nice to meet you, Hinata! My name is Sawamura Daichi. Everyone calls me Daichi, though. I’m the captain of the volleyball team. This is Kiyoko Shimizu. She’s the team manager.” The brown-haired boy introduced himself to Hinata. Kiyoko gave Shouyou a small wave. “She can take your form if that’s alright.”

“Okay!!” Shouyou gave the paper to Kiyoko, in complete awe of Daichi.  _ The captain! I’m really meeting the captain of the Karasuno team!! This is really happening! I get to join a  _ **_real_ ** _ team!!! UWAHHH! _

Daichi tried to make conversation while Kiyoko checked over the form, “So, why did you decide to join th--”

“...hey Dai what did you think of that blonde?” A silver haired boy came out of the bathroom, walking towards the captain, unknowingly interrupting him, “He looked like he’d be a good blocker!! Just think about all that height… oh, hi there!” The boy seemed to finally realize that Shouyou was there, turning to look at him. The boy rested an arm on Daichi’s shoulder, “I’m Sugawara Koushi! Are you joining the team?” Sugawara smiled warmly.

“Yes! My name is Hinata Shouyou!! Nice to meet you, Sugawara-senpai!” Hinata couldn’t help but grin back at Sugawara, noticing a beauty-mark underneath one of the silver-haired boy’s eyes.

“Please, just call me Suga! Great to hear that! I can’t believe so many first years have joined!” Suga looked at Daichi at that last part, “I’m the vice-captain of the volleyball team. I look forward to getting to know you, Hinata!”

“Thank you, Suga-senpai!! Thank you, Daichi-senpai! Thank you Kiyoko-senpai!” Shouyou bid farewell to the trio. He had to get to his homeroom soon. 

_ \ _

_ This year is going to be amazing!! _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this so far!! 
> 
> COMMENTS MAKE MY WEEK :D
> 
> chapter title from forever//over by EDEN... i will definitely be taking a lot of lyrics from this song, the lyrics are so nostalgic and bittersweet <3
> 
> update on my life lmao  
> like i said earlier, school starts tmrw. im really nervous because it's all online, and when we had to switch to online at the beginning of the year, my grades started to slip and my teachers had no clue what they were doing... i just hope that my new teachers are ok.
> 
> /shameless self-promo time let's gooo/  
> CHECK OUT MY BETA AND I'S FIC THAT WE'RE WRITING: it's a hamilton au with daisuga and kagehina (you know i gotta do my otp :p) i'm having a lot of fun getting to write from kageyama's perspective!  
> IT'S CALLED JUST YOU WAIT yu can check under my profile :)
> 
> i've been making some sketches for way future chapters and i'm so excited to show you all eeeee 
> 
> love you all! bye until next time!! -ok


	5. these thoughts are gonna bury me alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shouyou reflects on the past few months
> 
> ! TW: this chapter includes a panic/anxiety attack. !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy guys :) bet you didn't think you'd ever see another update. hope this is a good surprise. 
> 
> i wrote this chapter so that i can do a time skip and not have to introduce all of the characters. also, this is (obviously) canon divergent so i did move events around and change things.
> 
> i think that after this chapter i might decide to stop using honorifics because i keep having to look up how to use them and am pretty sure i’m still using them wrong. i’m not going to waste all of that effort. 
> 
> also, i realized that the way i’m planning on writing shouyou doesn’t work with bipolar type I depression, but rather is closer to cyclothymia (which needs more awareness!) so i’ve changed it so that he now has cyclothymia. i didn’t want to incorrectly describe bipolar depression so i thought this was for the best. 
> 
> if i’ve completely messed up the writing of the panic attack please let me know. i’ve done research but i’d hate to inaccurately describe one.
> 
> (/ marks a time skip)

_ The past three months have been exhausting. _

Shouyou laid sprawled out on his bed, his head hanging upside down over the edge. He gazed at the white walls of his bedroom, tracing a crack in the paint with his eyes. 

_ White. So quiet, but in a loud way. People hate on white, but it’s really beautiful. The slight nuances of the color have such an effect on the feeling it gives off. Cold and unyielding or welcoming and warm, an old friend. _

Kind of like Kageyama, now that he thought about it.

_ The arrogant child prodigy; a self-entitled bitch. The human embodiment of that sharp scent of antiseptic that fills every hospital. Somehow, though, Kageyama felt warm and human on occasion.  _

/

The last thing Shouyou expected was to see him in the gym. _ All I wanted was to take that whole ‘king of the court’ bitch up on a volleyball match. I’d emerge victorious. I would prove myself stronger, dispelling the whispers at the back of my head! “What have you been doing the last three years?” “Getting ready to defeat you!” I would make the King remember me as the most fearsome opponent he’d ever faced!  _

At least, he would have if the setter hadn’t somehow ended up on his team.  _ What are the odds? Out of all the possible schools he could’ve gone to, Kageyama just  _ had  _ to pick Karasuno. Of course I can’t have something just go my way. _

/

_ Ugh, he’s so much more of an ass than I thought he’d be!  _ To say Shouyou was frustrated was the understatement of the year. “Please? Just one set?”  _ Why do you have to be so difficult? I’m trying my fucking best here! _

“No.”

He’d already heard it all his life, but it still stung. Shouyou could hear the whispers of the third years, “ _ He didn’t have to be so rude.” “Should someone step in?” “The kid just wants a set.” “Maybe I should offer to set to him?”  _ Kageyama kept practicing, obviously pretending not to hear. Shouyou kept a smile on his face.  _ Don’t pity me. _

Shouyou grabbed his water bottle and exited the gym, letting the doors shut behind him. He sighed and sat down to the left of the double-doors. The wind carried the scent of freshly cut grass.  _ Since when do I dread volleyball? I used to jump at every opportunity to practice.  _ He allowed a tear to slip down his cheek.  _ Why won’t he just set to me? He’s set to Tanaka. Am I not good enough? _

“Stop asking the king to set to you, you dumbass. It’s getting annoying. Give up already.” Shouyou turned in surprise. Tsukishima glared down at him. The blonde stood in the doorframe, casting a shadow over Shouyou. The blonde narrowed his eyes, “Are you  _ crying? _ Tch. Did the king hurt your  _ feelings? _ Quit acting like a little girl.” His words were like ice. Shouyou said nothing, a stray tear continued its way down his cheek. Tsukishima sneered down at him, allowing the door to fall shut behind him. 

_ What are you trying to prove? It’s been a month. You’ve contributed nothing to this team. Kageyama refuses to set to you. Sugawara-san and the other third-years pity you. All you do is talk and act unfazed by the king’s refusal to set to you. You act like you’re unaffected by getting shut down on your every spike but it breaks your heart into even smaller pieces every time. The team can tell how hollow your smiles are. Did you think they wouldn’t notice? You’re so easy to read. The whole team just keeps you around because they feel bad. You’re getting on everyone’s nerves. Just quit. You’re useless. _ Shouyou was normally able to disregard Tsukishima’s taunts. He knew that was just how Tsukishima was, that it wasn’t his fault. But this time Tsukishima’s words affected Shouyou on a deep level. It gave the voices that Shouyou had pushed to the back of his mind to come back. His mind became a cacophony of fears. 

The edges of his vision blurred and he felt faint. He felt an overwhelming tightening in his chest.  _ Am I dying?  _ Tsukishima’s face began to appear unreal, like a plastic version of himself.  _ Am I finally going insane? _ Shouyou could see that Tsukishima’s mouth was still moving, and his expression was one of panicked worry, but the words couldn’t make their way through the discordance of Shouyou’s own thoughts.  _ I’m not useless, I got Asahi to come back! Anyone could’ve done that. You’re not special.  _ He gasped for air, but he couldn’t get enough.  _ I really am dying.  _ He felt an overwhelming wave of fear.  _ I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I’m going to die! I’m dying! Please help me, I’m dying.  _ Shouyou shut his eyes.  _ I can’t feel my arms. I can’t feel them. I’m dying. I’m dying. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my sister, my mom. I’m dying. I can’t breathe, I’m dying. Why haven’t I died yet? _

By now Tsukishima had run inside the gym and gotten Suga and Daichi for help. Suga was frantic, “I don’t know what to do! Someone call for help!” “Hinata-kun, can you hear me? Hinata are you okay?” 

_ Why haven’t I died yet? Am I really dying? Am I imagining this? Is this- am I having another panic attack? I’m having another panic attack, I’m not dying. I’m not dying, I’m not dying. I feel like I’m dying but I’m not dying. This is temporary. What does Kyo-sensei say I should do? Tell myself I’m not dying, what else? I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe. Shouyou, focus, focus, what- mindfulness! Ground yourself. What do you feel? My chest hurts, I- the cement is rough on my legs. The brick is bumpy on my back. My jersey is sticky.  _ He opened his eyes.  _ The sky is blue, it smells like grass. I hear someone talking. I see Suga-san and Daichi-san. They’re the ones talking. They’re calling my name. I feel the sunlight hitting me. I’m going to be okay. I’ll be okay. I can hear my teammates. I’m okay. I’m okay. _

The pain in Shouyou’s chest had faded along with the other symptoms of his panic attack. His breathing was still a bit ragged. Sugawara had a look of pure relief on his face, but Daichi’s expression was of concern.

“Hinata-kun are you okay? What happened?” Shouyou grimaced at the questions.

“Daichi, don’t overwhelm him! Do you need anything? Water?”

“Yes,” Shouyou answered plainly, but Sugawara seemed to understand what he meant and gave Shouyou his water bottle. Shouyou took a sip, then handed it back to the vice-captain. “I’m okay.”

“Do we need to call anyone? Do you need anything else?”

“No, I- I’m just going to go home.” Shouyou felt exhausted.

”Are you sure?” Shouyou nodded and moved to go get his bike. “Wait, what about your stuff? Do you need to change?” He paused.

“Can you grab my stuff from my locker?” The last thing Shouyou wanted was to go into the gym where the rest of his teammates were likely waiting for news.  _ Tsukishima probably told them I was going crazy _ . Daichi nodded and entered the gym to get Shouyou’s bag. Shouyou stared at the ground, going through his breathing exercises. He could feel Sugawara’s worried gaze but chose to ignore him in embarrassment.  _ They just saw me have a panic attack. They probably think I’m insane now.  _

“Here’s your things, Hinata-kun.” He glanced up and took his bag from Daichi’s outstretched arm.

“Thank you.”

“Take care.”

“I will.”  _ Wait until Kyo-sensei hears about this. My first panic attack since the beginning of middle school.  _ Shouyou unlocked his bike and he was gone.

/

When Shouyou went to practice the next day, he was scared that he’d be confronted about the previous afternoon. Thankfully, nearly everyone acted normal. However, there was an apparent lack of insults directed his way. Tsukishima was obviously still a bit shaken from the experience. 

/

_ Pure euphoria. _

His hand stung pleasantly where it made contact with the ball. Shouyou couldn’t keep the grin off of his face.

The set was better than Hinata ever imagined it would be. It wouldn’t have even mattered if it was a terrible set, because a set from the king means more than just a set. A set from the king means a bond of trust. 

He was completely bone-tired, but that didn’t matter. Kageyama finally set to him.

/

“N-nice hit, dumbass.”

/

_ He’s not such a terrible person after all. Maybe even a friend. _

With that thought, Shouyou climbed out of bed to go eat dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! sorry this chapter has taken so long. curly_hair (my amazing beta and best friend!) can confirm that school has been a bitch. we're going back to remote learning tomorrow, so we had to take a ton of tests last week.
> 
> i had to rewrite this whole chapter three times because i need to get a nice transition from the beginning of the school year to a few months in. as i said in the other notes, i don't want to have to introduce all of the characters, so this was my way of creating a timeskip.
> 
> in other news, my writing might change in respect to honorifics next chapter. it's been a bit of a pain to google which honorifics to use for each person so i might stop using them. let me know what y'all would prefer. tbh they confuse me. 
> 
> the chapter title is from the song Jupiter by The Eden Project - check it out! you won't regret it :) -
> 
> if you didn't read it earlier, i changed it so that shou is not bipolar anymore. i don't feel that i have a good enough knowledge on how to write a bipolar character accurately, so i have decided to make him have cyclothymia instead. i think that it would be a good opportunity to educate more people on cyclothymia, as it's an underdiagnosed mood disorder that could use more representation. it also fits the way i am going to portray shou better.
> 
> once again, let me know if i portray something inaccurately, make any errors, or should put TWs for anything!
> 
> _  
> COMMENTS MAKE MY DAY! even if you just want to say hi! it blows my mind that actual people are reading this <3 <3  
> have a good day//night xx

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this, thank you! This is my first fic and I honestly can't believe that a HUMAN BEING took time out of their day to read this shit. I basically took a ton of ideas I got partially from different fics and decided to just put them all together in a mf cauldron and make a bitch stew. If anyone reads this, then leave me a comment or critisism or kudos or something, because I know this is FAR from great, but I'm trying (✿◠‿◠).
> 
> hinata's song in ch. 1 is This Is Home by cavetown
> 
> chapter titles are all lyrics from songs, mostly by EDEN, an amazing and underrated artist!
> 
> i will try to update whenever i can depending on what's happening in my life.
> 
> as always, thank you to my amazing beta, curly_hair, who i am also working with on a fic called Just You Wait, a hamilton au!! you can find it if you click into my profile :)  
> ok, well, byeeee!


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